Crossroads
So, I just got off the phone with a music consulting company trying to sell me their services which I really do desperately need. The only thing is they cost about $8000 just for a year of service. I already know there's no way in Hell I can afford that. But the call basically made me feel like shit. I've been down this road before ... questioning why I'm doing this. What in the hell motivates me to pursue success in a field where success is so elusive and at times seemingly unattainable? Am I just setting myself up for failure and more heartbreak?
Since September of 2001 when I first started this journey I've invested over $13,000 into making music a career. I've probably only made $1000 from it, so I'm looking at a $12,000 loss so far ... and what do I have to show for it? 2 cds. A mailing list of only 220 with only about 50 or so people on there who could give a rat's ass about my music. A spattering of people here and there who know who I am and like what I do. A lot of sleepless nights and restless days spent writing, recording, singing, planning, reading, researching, networking, travelling, desiring, rehearsing, agonizing over making the right decision and not the wrong ones, and the worst part, agonizing over whether or not the music I'm making is even good enough 4 anyone 2 dig. Mmmm, that's about it. I should be so much farther along than I am right now, yet somehow, I still feel as if I'm at the threshold, like whatever I do NOW, within the next year, is going to overwhelmingly affect the outcome of the rest of my life. Saturn returns for me this year ... I'll be 28 next week.
So, here I stand at the proverbial crossroads. I can continue on this path or take the other path and turn away from music, stay in a job that makes my mind numb and my artistic sensibilities dry up and shrivel like a prune and find another completely different direction for my life. I already know what choice I will make. I've always known. 4 me it's never really been a choice. I had a vision of what my life would be like when I was 12. And at 24, I had a sudden internal "push" to make that vision a reality. I don't know why or where it came from, only that I have to succeed. I have to succeed or die trying. God help me.
Since September of 2001 when I first started this journey I've invested over $13,000 into making music a career. I've probably only made $1000 from it, so I'm looking at a $12,000 loss so far ... and what do I have to show for it? 2 cds. A mailing list of only 220 with only about 50 or so people on there who could give a rat's ass about my music. A spattering of people here and there who know who I am and like what I do. A lot of sleepless nights and restless days spent writing, recording, singing, planning, reading, researching, networking, travelling, desiring, rehearsing, agonizing over making the right decision and not the wrong ones, and the worst part, agonizing over whether or not the music I'm making is even good enough 4 anyone 2 dig. Mmmm, that's about it. I should be so much farther along than I am right now, yet somehow, I still feel as if I'm at the threshold, like whatever I do NOW, within the next year, is going to overwhelmingly affect the outcome of the rest of my life. Saturn returns for me this year ... I'll be 28 next week.
So, here I stand at the proverbial crossroads. I can continue on this path or take the other path and turn away from music, stay in a job that makes my mind numb and my artistic sensibilities dry up and shrivel like a prune and find another completely different direction for my life. I already know what choice I will make. I've always known. 4 me it's never really been a choice. I had a vision of what my life would be like when I was 12. And at 24, I had a sudden internal "push" to make that vision a reality. I don't know why or where it came from, only that I have to succeed. I have to succeed or die trying. God help me.
posted by Saturn at
1:28 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home